Well, the post I intended to publish today has been delayed for a bit as I have something I must vent about...MEN!!!!
Ok, well, maybe not all men. Just certain ones. You know the ones I'm talking about ladies, the one that makes you thankful your Daddy taught you how to use a shot gun (or at the very least mace). Yuck!
Recently I returned from Wal-Mart where I planned to pick up three items, but ended up with half a buggy full. I don't know how that happens but that's a post for another day. Anyhoo, I first noticed this fellow over in the dairy aisle only because he was blocking my way from the Ritz crackers. He was mid 50s and medium length, thinning, greasy looking brown hair. In addition to those attractive features, I had opportunity to observe, when he gave me his best full facial grin, that he also had several missing teeth and the remaining ones appeared to resemble the moss growing on the north side of a tree.
Covering his ever expanding mid section (I'm pretty sure by the time I left the store it had doubled in size) was a blue plaid long sleeve shirt. He had left the first four buttons undone exposing not only that gravity had overcome his man boobs but that the chest hair he had not only was grey but also only in patches like a dog with a bad case of the mange. Adorning his thick neck were a couple of, I'm sure, 14 kt gold necklaces, of the genuine variety found in most flea markets.
The shirt had seen better days when its owner, at one point, could have possibly tucked it into his pants. I'm guessing those days were probably 40 years ago as the shirt now barely covers his protruding belly (which I'm sure is the size it is due to massive consumption of alcohol leaving him with advanced stage cirrhosis of the liver; the only other sign missing was the bright orange pumpkin glow all those people seem to have).
On his lower half, yes, goodness help me, I looked. Sorry it was like a train wreck, I couldn't tear my eyes away. His ragged jeans were riding below the mound of his belly and on his feet were flip-flops. And as luck would have it I completed my assessment in which I noted his feet probably hadn't touched water in days. As a matter of fact, they probably could have used some sand blasting.
Now that I have your attention, sorry about your lunch, let's move on. So, I continue making my way through the grocery section of Wal-Mart and wouldn't you know it, as luck would have it, every time I turned a corner, there he was! The first couple times I wrote it off as coincidence, the third time when he licked his lips while looking at me was when I freaked. So, away I went. I zigzagged my way through the can food and frozen food sections and he was following me.
Every time I saw him he had this glazed over look in his eyes and would give me one of his "special" smiles. You know the type, the one that says, hey, you know what I'd like to do to you? I believe I could grease you up with some butter, throw a little BBQ sauce on ya, shove a skewer up your bottom, and grill ya. And when you're done, I'm gonna stuff myself so full of you it will be like Thanksgiving dinner.
Well, since I wasn't able to lose him in the grocery section I flew across the store. Back and forth, up and down aisles, while carefully avoiding the lawn and garden department where those pesky gas grills are. But he finally found me and when he did I had made my way back to the sporting goods department where he was able to observe me buying a couple boxes of ammo.
This time when he came sauntering down the aisle I didn't see his smile. As he approached the clerk asked me if I needed a target for practice or anything else. I just smiled at him as he went by while replying loudly, "Nope, don't believe I have any use for one of those little paper targets as I believe I've discovered a much bigger game I need to practice hunting."
Funny, I never saw him again after that.
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