Well, hello there fellow internetters!! What has been going on with everyone? Sorry I haven't posted in a while but life has gotten kinda hectic. Anyhoo, I thought I would try a post.
Today I'm still having problems with the rapidly deteriorating state of my body. Well, maybe deteriorating isn't the right word choice, how about rearrangement. As everyone knows, Ms. Pippi is heading toward her golden years. A time of life when things should be getting a bit less stressful and freeing of inhibitions allows for new experiences. When I think about the age I am I think that I should have it all together and be one of those glamorous "older women". Nah, I'm looking more and more like Edith Bunker every day; some days I'm Edith crossed with Vicki Lawrence's "Momma" character.
Mid life. A time of change. A time for re-evaluating one's life achievements thus far and a time for planning the last half so as it may be as comfortable as possible. However, I think Mother Nature has other plans.
I have been going thru "peri-menopause" since I was 40 and I can honestly say, "I'm sick of it". The hot flashes are killing me. I can be having the most invigorating conversation with someone when all of the sudden I've become a lawn sprinkler. I don't even have the grace to be an oscillating one at that. I'm more like a garden hose nozzle that has been turned the "blast the paint off the car" setting. Now mind you this doesn't happen all at once. No, it's more like I can be chatting with someone who is sitting in a chair with me standing beside them when a bead of sweat forms, slides its way down, usually, the side or back of my head until it lands with a "plop" on the head/shoulder/arm of my unsuspecting victim. The person will typically ignore the first drop but by the time the second or third begin to fall, one can note they begin to look around for either a leak in the ceiling or an air conditioning vent. IF I am lucky enough there will be at least a vent that we can blame it on, at least until I can make a hasty get away to the bathroom and dry off. Sometimes though, I'm not so lucky. Then the shower really starts which causes me to begin to pace back and forth behind the person I'm speaking with only to grab my shirt tail as soon as I'm out of their line of sight and swipe my forehead with it. But there is a limit to the number of times I can pull this off before my companion informs me I'm making them nervous with my pacing. At this point I have no other recourse but to excuse myself from further interaction with them for the rest of the evening.
Another irritating thing I have noticed is these little random hairs that are showing up in places they have never grown before. I have a scar on the underside of my chin from an incident involving being pushed down onto a piece of sharp glass on the playground when I was in the third grade; I ended up with several stitches and a lone black hair that began to grow there during puberty. That hair, once I discovered it was there, I shaved it off. My mother yelled at me once when she caught me shaving my face and informed me that if I continued to shave my face, then I would start to grow a beard. Well, I definitely did not want a face full of these black hairs as I was having a hard enough time being the only girl in fifth grade with 36C boobs, so, Mom showed me how to pluck my renegade hair.
Now mind you, she told me about the non shaving of facial hair but she never informed me about any additional body hair. I guess I was supposed to somehow "know" about the female grooming ritual. It wasn't until my sixth grade class had a swimming party at the local pool and I had pulled off my t-shirt and shorts to reveal my lovely one piece swimsuit I had picked out was I made aware there was a problem. And Mom, lacking a discreet bone in her body, let out a shriek followed by, "Oh my God PippiSnickerdoodlesky!! You look like Big Foot!" I can remember scrunching up my face not understanding what she was getting at. "Girl, why have you not shaved?" "I didn't need to. There wasn't a black hair on my chin", I said rubbing my hand across the scar. "NOT your face, your legs! You look like a hairy gorilla!" With the scowl still on my face I looked down at my legs and well, from the bottom leg openings of my suit down to my ankles there was a lot of black hairs, thick as the shag carpet we had in the living room. And we won't mention my arm pits. Well, that ruined the party for me. We didn't stay long because I was too embarrassed about my metamorphosis into a member of the ape family.
To say the episode that followed at home was unpleasant would be putting it mildly. I'm not real sure I remember how many razor blades we used. We had even tried Nair, like on the commercial, "If you dare wear short shorts, then Nair for short shorts", but that stuff was highly resistant to giving up its home. When the first "grooming" episode was over I remember having a lot of little cuts and my legs had red bumps all over them. We had used soap and water cuz Mom said that was all she ever used but she suggested next time I better use my Father's shaving cream since I was gonna have unruly hair like his. So began my hate-hate relationship with body hair.
Now that I'm older I'm so thankful for the day when those pesky leg hairs became lighter in color and fewer in number allowing me to stretch shaving periods for as long as possible. The problem is, the hair that was on my legs is now springing up in various spots on my head. Sometimes there will be two black hairs in my chin scar, other times there will be several hairs randomly scattered under my chin going down my neck. I have to say though the most amusing one, and I'm not sure how I didn't notice it for so long, was a long, curly one that grew from my cheekbone. Maybe because it was a light white color I didn't spot it or maybe I should blame it on the fact I try not to long too long in the mirror at my face because it gets scarier everyday.
Of course, Scooter was the one who found it for me and announced for everyone to hear, "Hey Mom, what's that hair doing?" "What hair Scooter?" "That hair on your face?" "I don't have any hair on my face Scooter, now quit it!" With that he promptly walked up to me, and with his fingers he grabbed the hair and gave it a good yank! Fortunately, he removed it and showed it to me. Well, that sent me into full panic mode. I had to immediately run to the bathroom and look in the mirror at every inch of my face. I even made Scooter come in with a flash light to make sure I hadn't missed a stray. Now it's an every day ritual. I check to see if there is a hair. Then I assess the quality and length of said hair. Next I analyze my plans for the day and based on if there is a chance I will appear in public on that day. After careful weighing of all factors, I usually find that I can let those little suckers hang around a while; at least until Scooter threatens to start braiding them.
Now, I know I have told you all about my breasticle issues, so, I don't feel we need to venture down that road again. Yet there is another area we have not covered in our discussions: the gastrointestinal tract of the older woman. For those lay persons, we will be discussing my bowels. Over the last couple of days it has been pretty interesting what sort of activities have been going on way down deep in the darkest nether regions of my body beginning yesterday. I was making my commute to work and at approximately at the half way point, I felt stirrings in my undercarriage. Of course, I was in the middle of nowhere. Ok, I think, is this an issue of air needing expelled or a brown turtle trying to poke his head out or worse, impending leakage of the icky kind?!
Like I said, I was in the middle of nowhere. As I am driving I'm trying to adjust myself in the seat to possibly relieve the urge at least until I reach civilization. Well, during one of my adjustments, a long forceful blast of air escaped, even with my tightly clinched butt cheeks. Great!! It was just gas I think to myself laughing as the air made its way up the front of my pants to my crotch and out my pants legs. I was so relived it wasn't anything worse. Until I got a whiff of that sucker. **Sniff, sniff* I smelled coffee. How could I smell coffee? There were no restaurants around and I don't drink coffee. About that time another urge hit so I let it rip. Again, once the gas had made its way through my pants leg I again smelled coffee. So, I thought for a while. Well, I know it's not a GI bleed because it smells like roasted almonds (and no, I hadn't eaten any almonds, I don't like them). After a bit I rationalized to myself that with all the rearranging my body has been doing over the years I guess my abdomen had decided to open a Starbucks in my bowels. I was satisfied with that explanation and it gave me cause to laugh at myself the rest of the way to work.
HOWEVER, today...today was different. I went to Taco Bell for lunch and with my limited budget I purchased a bean burrito. I love bean burritos and never have had a problem with them. When I returned back to the VA I still had time before I needed to head back in so I thought I would take a quick cat nap in the car, especially since I didn't sleep well last night. I set my cell phone alarm for 15 minutes, leaned the driver's seat back, and closed my eyes. I'm not sure exactly how long I laid there before I felt "IT" at the back door, my back side door that is. I wasn't alarmed because of yesterday's episode so I just squeezed the old butt cheeks as tight as I could to cut short this nonsense. Well, let's just say that my anus was having none of this nonsense because it decided instead of puckering, it would bulge. You know the feeling, like right before the poop is gonna blow. Well, I panicked. I yanked up the seat back, grabbed my purse, opened the car door, and headed toward the building with the quickest duck walk I could manage. I don't even remember if I locked the car door.
So here I am goose stepping as fast as I can while attempting to not look like I need to be a patient over in building 25. Halfway to the door, an overwhelming urge hit! I came to a complete stop. I not only squeezed my butt cheeks but I tightened my thighs and crossed my legs. I kept praying no one was watching as I tried to nonchalantly look around at the park lot. Once I thought it was safe to move again, I double timed the rest of the way to the door. I don't believe I have ever walked that fast but let me tell ya, it was a great workout for my glutes! Of course, I had to go to the original facility today; not the one I'm used to at UK, so, I have NO CLUE where there may be a single stall bathroom. As I opened the door to the building I looked right, nope, that was class rooms. So, I started walking, carefully, down the hall to my left. And as luck would have it, there were several Veterans standing around blocking the hallway having a social gathering. Once I was able to gentle maneuver around them, I continued on my bathroom quest, looking at door signs on my left and right as I goosestepped on. Until I heard, "Miss! Could you help me? I'm looking for Primary Care."
OMG!! I think. Not only do I desperately need a toilet but I don't have a clue where Primary Care is. If it's not a unit with intubated people, then I'm lost. But being a good girl I attempted to find a sign to show me where it was. Fortunately a couple hallways down there was a "You are here" map and I was able to locate it for him. I then lead him to the elevator bay and told him what floor to get off on. He thanked me for my help but I was too far gone by this time to do more than give him a quick "welcome" over my shoulder as I flew back down the hall. Walking, walking, oh no, here it comes, I'm not gonna be able to stop it, I know it!! OMG!!! I don't have a change of clothes, ugh!!
Then, like the beckoning sign of a Motel 6, I saw a sign for a unisex bathroom. As I ran the last few feet to the door, I began to pull up my shirt. I barely gave the door time to close, hit the button, threw my purse across the floor, and dropped trouser before Old Faithful blew her stack. I don't know how many times I flushed. I quit counting after 5. I know there were people out in the hall probably wondering what was wrong with that toilet, but I didn't care because this time it sure wasn't Starbucks that was gonna be lingering around today.
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