So, yeah, went to UK today. Yeah...for those of you who don't know who or what UK is, please, by all means allow me to show you:
Yeah...no reason at all to be intimidated...at all...only 42 PACU beds and I believe, if I heard correctly, 32 OR suites. Nope, piece of cake...
W-E-L-L...it would be, maybe, if it hadn't also been the first day of classes. Yeah, newbie Pippi with newbie college freshmen, not a pretty combo. It was pretty much old lady vs young resilient flesh all day. I wish someone would have warned me I needed a battering ram, helmet, and elbow/knee pads. And that was just to get a parking spot.
What was that??? You could do it better? I'm sure you could as many of you have the advantage of age on me, but where's the fun in that?? It's more entertaining to see an old woman fight off an oblivious, bare chested, skateboarding freshman than someone who can blend in.
Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. So, yeah, I've been a patient here and it wasn't that bad, mostly everyone just pointed me in the right direction. For today, I was armed with nothing more than a piece of paper with an address, time, and instructions to park in any "E" parking area.
Yes, any "E" parking area. Why any moron can do that? Now just where are those pesky "E" parking areas? Umm, I'm pretty sure I don't have a clue but that's ok, I have Google maps and in Lexington it's expected behavior to drive and be on one's cell phone. Yes, well, good luck to you if you are, in fact, hitting the prime time influx of people. It makes it a more challenging when everyone "knows" where to go and you, repeatedly, must refer to your phone.
Every one wants a parking spot and it's every man, woman, and invalid for him/herself. Not to mention that "E" parking areas are kinda like chameleons, they blend into their surroundings if the area you are looking at is #1 not the giant football stadium or #2 the lone parking garage that has the entrance hidden down a one way street. Not to mention the art of either trying to flag down the elusive shuttle bus or the 6 mile hike over under construction terrain one must undertake. Not a problem as long as it's cool weather, little trickier to breathe though when it's warm outside and your body decides now is the best time in the world to turn up the hot-flash-ometer! I hate menopause or peri-menopause or whatever the heck it is I'm supposedly going thru.
The first 6 hours I was inducted into the brainwashing of UK. Person after person came in and talked and talked and then talked some more. Each one was a little too enthusiastic cuz each wanted to know if I bled blue? Nope, 'fraid I don't. Didn't know it was a requirement. However, if you let me go on a hike again, then I'm sure I can turn my skin blue...
As each of the large electronic displays played video after video about the university, I found myself wondering when in the heck did trying to be a medical professional turn into one giant commercial with everyone saying, "You are playing a role. You are always on stage. You can never be out of character." Last time I checked my degrees indicated that I, in fact, studied to be a nurse, but I guess I am now an actress too! Yay!! A step up from maid.
Alrighty, so, I survived the first 8 hours of first day hell. Tomorrow is another 8 hours of healthcare initiation. It's in another building, which, fortunately, I have actually been in. However, I don't believe the trail of bread crumbs I left the last time I wandered around the surgery area will still be there. There are an awful lot of pesky people with brooms. I may need to consider a tracking device for myself. That's it!! I will pretend I'm on the set of Running Man and maybe I won't get lost if someone can keep tabs on my position 24/7 on a big giant screen!
Many times I questioned my sanity today (yeah, I know, what made today any different). I especially had a small panic attack when they mentioned there were 8000 employees and with classes in session, the total number of people comes to around 66, 000. Yeah, and I thought making the transition from small 100 bed community hospital to the Level 2 Trauma Center with 300 beds was gonna cause me to pee my pants. One would think I would have learned from prior experiences that change isn't always good, especially when one doesn't like crowds. Nor does it help that I've decided to have another position (fortunately next door to this monstrosity). I have not only lost my sanity, I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind. Unfortunately, the other place will insist I wear a white coat all the time. Not too happy with that either as the white coat they want me to wear is starched cotton and long, not my familiar burlap with buckles. I'm pretty sure I'm going to look like a sweaty toad wearing that.
So, I guess I will end this story, what there is of it, for today. But before I go, I would like to share one little fun nugget from today. Since I had to prance around in dress clothes and dress shoes, I was extremely delighted that when I was safely back in the bat mobile, I was able to kick off those shoes allowing my feet to breathe. I managed to fight my way back out of the traffic and onto the freeway. But during the fun of that, my breasticle restrainer decided that it had had enough. The beasties popped out of their cubbies, the snaps dug into my back, and the elastic band rolled up over the pointy end of both breasticles which resulted in them looking like 2 bald men with their faces pressed between the jail cell bars.
I wiggled and wormed, trying to ever so nonchalantly, return everyone to their appropriate positions. Of course, no one wanted to cooperate. So, I decided, as I'm driving down I64 that I will discreetly try to remove said restrainer. I slowly took my left hand placed it on my right shoulder and acted as if I had an itch while I shimmed the strap down. Next I repeated the same procedure for the left shoulder. Now, this was a sight for sore eyes because the girls had now decided to poke their behinds up and out of the neckline of my blouse. I was literally being held hostage by my own body and my clothes.
I was trying to figure out what to do when my cell phone rings and I must spend about 10 minutes in a conversation while tressed up worse than a Thanksgiving turkey. Finally I was able to get the caller off the phone only to have another well meaning friend text me to check on me. By this time I had finally made it to mountain parkway. Great, I think, now I can probably wiggle the rest of the way out of this harness because the traffic is very light. So, as I'm cruising down the parkway at 70mph, texting, now 2 friends, I am trying my best to remove my bra. I will say it was quite a spectacular sight as boob after boob popped out of the neck of my shirt followed by the sleeve and finally, out the bottom of my shirt.
Once I finally had wrestled that alligator down, around, and off I realized I was so very grateful to be the only car I could see. Well, at least until that black unmarked crown vic made it's way around me and the driver just smiled and waved. I bet that made his day; a peep show for free and he couldn't arrest me for reckless driving cuz I maintained control over my vehicle during the whole mess. Sigh!
I can't wait for tomorrow. Go team...or wildcats or whatever....
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