Job hunting is not all the thrill and excitement some of these web sites like to tout. "You're entering mid-life, is it time for a career change?" or "Stephanie went back to school to study medicine while working on her new upstart private business of organic foods". Each web site varies on the extent of excitement they wish to dole out as well as the "helpful advice", which I might add, is at best, questionable.
Somewhere along the line, things have changed. What used to be a simple exchange of work philosophy and attendance record has turned into some kind of endurance, maze, cat/mouse type race. I haven't interviewed for a position in over a decade, so, one can imagine the culture shock I was exposed to.
First of all, the number of people one must talk to has increased from 2 (a secretary and a boss) to as many as 10, and that's just to get to one phase, getting them to even look at your resume. Next, I've noticed, NO ONE is in any particular hurry to set about getting people in for interviews or if selected as a candidate for a position. What used to take at most 2 weeks from initial application to first day of employment has now become a minimum of a 2 week wait to be notified of an interview up to, so far for me, a maximum of 4 months to be called.
Then, there is a period of patty cake one must play with the potential employer. Dependant upon if the employer is in the private, public, or government sector. The HR department used to be the place where you went to fill out your W2 forms only, but now has become some sort of monstrosity resembling a demented cookie monster as they have to have their hand in everything that goes on. What I want to know is, do these people get educated about how to determine if a potential employee actually knows how to do a job and do it well, or are they simply frustrated wanna be psychologist or psychiatrists?
I have been informed, because as we all well know Ms. Pippi doesn't simply go gently into that good night without at least some sort of explanation for such nonsense, that there has been a marketing tool which has been developed to assist facilities in making a better selection in potential employees. When I heard that this is exactly what came to my mind (Peanut to Jeff Dunham): "Seriously?"
Hmmm. Kinda like when hospitals decided to start letting "business people" run the facilities. Business majors who don't have any idea what is needed to run a medical facility let alone any clue about what exactly it takes for a medical professional to perform his job safely. Those individuals, from my past experience, seem to only know how to run a business, which, in my humble opinion, healthcare is not like going to buy a shirt and looking for the cheapest or best deal. Especially when that "cheaper alternative" is a result of business people cutting the amount of money available to the practitioner to purchase desperately needed supplies, better equipment, or an adequate number of staff members.
Ah, but, it has become a business and therefore, one must learn to play the game, so to speak. Any one with half a brain can pass the silly interview tests because the questions are exactly the same no matter where you go. Go to one interview, make note of the questions, do research for the "right answer", and wha-la, you have got it. It's a test, a screening tool, that is completely generic and to which there are "certain answers" they will accept. I can only shake my head in disbelief. Not only do I think this is a strange practice to determine the most fit individual but I feel sorry for those who get nervous during an interview and may make a misstep or two. Believe you me, those HR people like to turn up the heat and the ones I've encountered are definitely on a power trip.
Now aside from those pesky HR people, if, perchance, one would be interested in obtaining a job with the federal government, then, oh boy, will you E-V-E-R be in for a treat!!! "Our application process has been streamlined to be more effective and for your convenience". Excuse me, but, isn't the use of 'government process, streamline, effective, and convenient' considered an oxymoron? Yes, the application is online, as well as about 6 other forms you need to download, print, fill out (cuz forbid the forms could be filled in on-line), scan, upload, and submit to the website. Not to mention the scanning of all your credentials, identification records, as well as all transcripts from any educational facility you have ever attended. Oh, and don't forget your resume.
Then, of course, there are a series of questions one must answer which if the person looking at your application could easily find on your resume but NOOOOO, you must fill out the information that's on your resume into the question answer area. From the time you get all of these items submitted until you "possibly" get a phone call can be anywhere from 1-2 weeks.
Ok, so, you get the phone call to come in to be interviewed. Well, of course, the government has their own version of this sick, twisted interviewing process. Not only do they have the strange, new questions, but they mix in some from the old interviewing style. The topper, though, is you get to sit at the head of a big table while surrounded by a panel of anywhere from 5-8 people who are going to interview you. These people can represent any area of the facility from the CEO to the janitor (still not sure how that applies to healthcare personnel, but O-K).
They have in front of them a stack of papers which includes all of the stuff from your online adventures as well as the interview questions in a essay answer packet form. So, in between each of the questions, you must wait until everyone has written down your answer and any impressions they have about you. There are only 10 questions, but the "hurry up and wait" effect makes it seem like forever. I found the best thing about interviewing with the government, especially when you have bombarded them with applications, is that you may very well end up seeing these same people over and over again at every interview which means you get to show off your creative side to come up with some new, interesting answers that will help these poor souls stay awake through another session with you.
Now it's back to the "hurry up and wait" phase. Two or three more weeks go by, nothing; then a month later, lo and behold the phone rings and it's the government. Now, as you all well know I'm not a huge fan of authority figures and more often than not I particularly hate playing the b.s. game, but I've gotta hand it to these people, they are slick when it comes to covering their a$$. The conversation goes something like this:
"Yes, Ms. Cheshire, this is Donald Peanut at the VA and I am calling to talk to you about a position you expressed interest in and were interviewed for. Now, I am not offering you the job but this phone call is a pre-screening, pre-offer call to find out if you are still interested. If you are still interested then there is some additional paperwork (of course there is) we need for you to fill out. Now, you must fill this paper work out completely and truthfully, as the position you are interested in is dependent on your information. I will be sending you an example of how to answer these 12 questions, but do not copy the answers from the example. Answer them in the manner which reflects your abilities, knowledge, and education. You cannot say you have done something, if in fact you have not. Now, as I said, this is not a job offer, but conditions are favorable that once you have completed this additional paperwork and we have reviewed it, then there will possibly be a forthcoming job offer. So, are you still interested?"
Truthfully, I fell asleep somewhere after the first five words this man said and I had no clue what he was rambling about but I replied "yes". Thankfully, he said he would email me all of the things he had discussed with me. Ok, that's good buddy, cuz you're boring me to tears.
I get the email and yes, there are only 12 questions, but it's the exact same questions I have already answered in all of my previous interviews and paperwork. HOWEVER, this time, I get to write the answers in essay form. Yay me!! And yay for the fact I have been in healthcare for an eternity and now I get to wrack my brain to remember everything I have ever done in the last 14 years. Those 12 questions took me 3 days and 30 pages typewritten, single space, Times 12 New Roman, to complete. Once I was done, I felt like I had given birth...to an encyclopedia set.
And now, for the piece de resistance. After I had sent that enormous email packet, my phone rings. "Hi, this is Dolly at St. Joe's and I would like to speak to Pippi. Yes, I'm so sorry we haven't gotten back to you in four months but I just started working here 5 weeks ago. The unit has been without a manager and we are in the middle of rolling out a new electronic charting system. So, are you still interested in working with us?" I can only laugh at this point because what used to be something so simple has now become such a night mare.
The last thing I will mention before signing off today is everyone's favorite: the drug screening process. So, I'm sitting there waiting and there is a young man who is there to have some blood drawn. Well, of course, as luck would have it, Mr. Studly Muffin Man gets woozy at the sight of blood. They're in there yelling at him to wake up, they are fanning him, they've put a cool wash cloth on his neck, he's dry heaving; you name, he's doing it. I'm sitting there saying a small prayer, "Please God, don't let this moron quit breathing. I'm not in the mood to work today plus my bladder is extremely full." Finally after 15 minutes, wienie boy is stable enough to leave the lab. As he was leaving, of course, snarky old woman as I am, I couldn't resist asking the poor fellow where he was going to be working, to which he replied:
"Oh, I'm not working as a health care employee. I couldn't possibly do that! I'm going to be working in Human Resources!", he said with a smile and I simply returned the same moronic smile as I tell him, "Well, HR is probably a good idea for you; we wouldn't want you losing it out there on the floor; wouldn't be professional and all, you know?"
Bad, bad Pippi! LOL!!
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