First of all, let me announce for everyone's concern, the crew had a designated couple who were responsible for minding the kiddies while their parents "unwound". So, there is no need to worry that any child was exposed to inappropriate behaviour by influential adults.
Next thing I noticed about this cruise was that since it was a sunset cruise, not only did they supply the regular beer and wine (along with the responsible adult drinks of coke, sprite, etc.), but there was also champagne. Now mind you I'm not a connoisseur of any beverage if it doesn't involve Barcardi and Diet Coke, so, the quality of provided alcohol was anyone's guess.
Being as how I am fully aware of my phobia of all things involving the ocean (eg. water, fish, sharks, etc.) I had already pre-loaded myself with a Xanax. But as soon as I stepped on the boat, the effect that single action had left me feeling as if I might as well have ate a bag of Pixie Sticks. I started shaking, panting, and generally feeling a little lightheaded. I started to re-think this adventure I had gotten myself into when a well meaning crew member noticed me clutching the railing of the ship for all it was worth.
Of course, I must confess that I had stupidly chosen the highest platform short of the crow's nest in hopes I could secure pictures. That was my plan to help take my mind off what was going on. Anyhoo, a crew member came up to the level where I was seated to check on everyone's beverage level. I had polished off my Diet Coke in no time flat so, naturally, I was left holding a glass which apparently sends out unseen signals to the dealers of liquor.
The lady, armed with her tray and a nice selection of beverages, none of which I noted didn't not contain any ethanol, approached me. After a short exchange of small talk, she had the nerve to mention the death grip I had on the railing. Embarrassed and not really wishing to expose my insecurities for the remaining members of my group, I whispered, "I don't do boats but lucky you, I decided that I'm going to try to overcome this". Why she smiled even bigger, "Well, honey, I've got just the thing for you", taking my glass and disappeared back to one of the lower decks.
As our voyage began the musical selection was the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean. I thoroughly enjoyed the little ditty all the while in the back of my mind one of the little voices which resides in my head was singing the theme from Gilligan's Island:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship
Within a short time, the friendly pirate who had kidnapped my glass returned. "Here ya go honey, drink this here blend. The captain highly recommends it and as a matter of fact he's enjoying one right now". With those words, my personal alarm began to go off. Unwillingly my eyes made their way to the captain's deck where I saw the scraggly fellow look at me, raise his glass, gave me a wink, and downed his drink. He completed the task with an exaggerated flourish of wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt.
Great, I think. Now not only have I taken a Xanax but now apparently I'm about to escalate my use of inappropriate substances to help me. Actually, it was really kinda of important I relax as one of my hands had the post where the anchor was secured, so, they really needed me to move it. So, I downed the drink.
The nastiness of it leaves me without words to describe it. To say it was akin to a glass of diarrhea would be putting it mildly. But in, oh, I don't know, maybe five minutes I had the effects hit me. I began to relax. The racing of my heart slowed to a trot and I was able to begin to use my camera to snap some pictures.
Everything was going along swimmingly until the sound track switched to Apache by the Sugarland Gang. At this point the remaining adults on my level decided to hop up and begin to dance wildly. Now mind you, this area we were seated in was approximately 5 feet in diameter and within the space there was one of the sail mast poles. As they gyrated, hopped, and flung their arms, I watched mentally taking bets among the dwellers of my mind as to which one was going to make the unfortunate step and end up tumbling down the steep stairs to the lower deck. But alas, somehow, these women were able to continue shimmying and shaking completely in time with the music without a single disaster.
The adventure continued. I was enjoying whatever kind of buzz the cap'n had kindly plied me with and became a picture snapping fool. At one moment I fancied myself to be the next Annie Leibovitz as I was able to capture several dolphins with a single shot. With each new song that came across the sound system I found myself progressing from foot tapping to a full dancing in my seat fool. Until....
I looked back behind us and saw how far away the shore was! I noticed several flashing lights of the red, blue, and white color which caused my preset program of panic to take back over. Well, the rest of my fellow passengers was having none of this nonsense of me gripping the rail again. It was at this time the sound track switched to a song called Wobble.
The other women shrieked and grabbed me by the arm and said, "Come on, dance". "I don't know what a wobble is!!". They laughed. I guess they didn't take me seriously as they began to do some sort of line dance. Having no clue and still under the influence of Xanax plus the captain's magic potion, I didn't trust myself to follow all the back and forth movement. So instead, I grabbed the mast pole and essentially pole danced in my own fashion for the song. Evidently I was really getting my groove on because everyone was laughing and pointing at me.
Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble (yeah) [x4]
Get in there, yeah, yeah [x4]
Ey big girl make em' back it up, make em' back it up [x4a
Get in there, yeah, yeah [x4]
Ey big girl make em' back it up, make em' back it up [x4a
Yeah, I had the big girl thing down pat and I was going to town; just me and the mast pole. When the song ended we were almost back to port. I was sad because I had just started letting down my hair. The same female crew mate climbed back up to the level I was on in preparation of dropping anchor. I said, "I don't know what was in that drink, but it really helped. Thank you!" "No problem", she said giving me a wink.
As I disembarked from the ship, I paused to take a few additional pictures of the ship. While doing so one of the young men who was also a crew member came walking down the plank carrying the "treasure chest" they had used for the kiddie games. I reached out, touched his arm, and said, "I've gotta know, the captain's favorite drink for sailing. That was the nastiest tasting thing I ever had. What on earth is in that thing?"
The young fellow began to grin from ear to ear. He flipped up his eye patch and leaned in close to me as if to make sure no one else could know about the "precious secret". "Madam, there's nothing special about it. We just mix all of the sodas we have together. I think back in the 70s the drink was called a suicide". With that, he patted me on the shoulder and continued walking.
I had been had. I should demand a refund as they did not offer full disclosure as to what kind of "magical spell" they were to weave on me!! How dare they!! What do they think I am, some sort of lunatic? Don't they know I'm an educated woman?!!
About that time one of the little voices of reason which pops in and out of my mind from time to time said, "You fool. You're just mad cuz you've been had. Now you don't have an excuse." I sat down on the bench at the dock for a few minutes contemplating the ramifications of my recently acquired knowledge. After a few minutes I came to one conclusion.
Damnit. Now I have no excuse not to go on a family cruise. Time to find another phobia. What about the fear of enclosed spaces? That might work, right?
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Youve just been punk'd! LOL love the story!
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